Travel Updates!

Readers, I have recently finished my whirlwind few weeks of travel! Since late June, I have been to Chicago, New York City, and Sarasota, Florida for a family reunion. I've seen Matilda on Broadway, been to Times Square, toured Chelsea Market in NYC, seen snow leopards and penguins at the Central Park Zoo, had drinks in the bar on the 96th floor of the John Hancock Tower in Chicago (and gotten stuck in the elevator on the 95th floor of said tower, but that's another story entirely), spent four days at an INTENSE but incredibly helpful family law conference, met family law associates from all over the country, seen the sun set over Siesta Key Beach, seen the Statue of Liberty, and so much more. Here are some of my pictures!

New York skyline from the top of the Empire State Building. 

Times Square. 

If you're thinking, "That looks like the apartment building from Friends," you're right!

Beautiful sunsets in Sarasota: on the beach and in the air. 

Doughnuts from the Doughnut Plant in NYC!

The Chicago skyline

The Bean in Chicago

Chicago at night. 

And this weekend I bought a plane ticket to Paris and one to Reykjavik, which is in Iceland. I am so excited! Meagan and I are going together in November, because life's too short not to stroll the cobblestone streets in Rome, sip coffee and eat croissants in a Parisian bakery, see the Eiffel Tower, see the Northern Lights, see the Colosseum at night, and so much more!

I can't believe that we are actually going to make the Europe trip happen . . . my sister and I have been looking forward to this for a long time, and we're so thrilled that we are going to get to satisfy a little bit of our wanderlust!

In the meantime, well, it's back to that associate attorney life! I'm in the process of drafting up a list of "core competencies" that I would like to have gained by the time I reach the end of this year . . . does anyone else do this? Probably just me, because I am a nerd. But my list includes things like knowing all the basics of divorce taxation issues; having the ability to speak articulately and knowledgeably about complex family law matters; and competency with all major types of drafting, including settlement agreements, modifications, contempts, discovery, requests for admission, motions for reconsideration, motions to compel, emergency motions, etc. By the end of this year, I want to feel confident and comfortable with most of these very basic lawyering skills so that I don't feel like I'm having to start from scratch with each new project and assignment. It is satisfying to already be at the point where, for many tasks, I have already seen it or something like it before and therefore have some idea of what to do. My absolute favorite cases are ones that involve either complex civil procedure questions, complex custody issues, or both. Well, I need to finish writing a memo so that's all for tonight!

Knowing the Heart of God

How many times as Christians do we find ourselves complaining about how we just don't understand what God could possibly be doing in our lives? We don't understand why he has brought us to a certain place or a certain circumstance. We don't know what his plan could possibly be and we start to question whether he really has a grip on what the future holds, even though we know he says that he does. We look at our lives and just wonder, "What could God possibly be thinking?" I find myself wondering this sometimes, and I'm sure you have wondered it too. Didn't he know I expected _____ to be so different than it is? Why would he think that the circumstance I'm in would ever work out ok? Why would he give me one thing when it seems so clear that I need another? And the doubts can go on and on if we let them.

But this past week, God impressed something on my heart very clearly, and it was this: I cannot know the mind of God, but I can and do know the heart of God, and that is enough. So often our angst and confusion and frustration with God comes from trying to understand what is in his mind and to see everything he sees and to know everything he knows, even though this is impossible for us as humans. We simply can't understand why God does everything he does. He knows things that we cannot possibly know--and that we should not know. He knows the future even though we don't, and isn't that a blessing? There are so many things in my life that, if I had been able to see into the future and known how hard they were going to be, I would never have pursued them in the first place, but I've been blessed in the long term because I did. There have been times in my life when years after the fact, God gave me some insight into why he allowed a certain circumstance to happen in my life or to glimpse a little bit of the purpose it may have served in his plan for my life. But other times, we never know and never see what God is doing, thinking, knowing, and seeing behind the scenes. He knows exactly what your life and the world around you will look like tomorrow, next week, and in 2050, even though we don't and can't even fathom having this understanding.

The reason we do not need to be burdened with our inability to know the mind of God is because we do know the heart of God, and it is for us. His heart delights in us and delights in working in our lives for His glory and our good. Because we know God's heart for us, we know that he works in our lives out of his great love and compassion for us and his desire to build our faith and make us more like Christ. We know that he has good plans for our lives and that he has promised to meet our needs, to fill our cups, and to satisfy our desires with good things. He has promised that he is FOR us and fighting for us, and that he goes before us and will be with us in everything, no matter what we face. Because I know that this is the heart of God, I can trust him and trust his purposes and plans even though I cannot know the mind of God, and I cannot see everything he sees or know why certain things happen and other things don't. I can take great comfort in knowing that I know the heart of God, and it delights in me. And in you.

Tips for Brand-New Attorneys

So this week has involved many hours writing a trial brief on contract construction/ parol evidence, getting ready for a big hearing, consoling/ counseling tearful clients, doing subpoenas, writing consolidated orders, etc. Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about some of the tips I would offer new associates, just out of what I've learned in my first year so far. Here's a few:

1) There's no such thing as a first draft--ever. Assume that your work product, once it leaves your hands, could be filed with the court, submitted to opposing counsel, presented to a client, etc., with absolutely no changes or time for revisions. In other words, whatever work you give to your assigning partner had better be a final draft--captioned correctly, with any certificates of service included, totally ready to go. If you don't do this, you run the risk of having your work being labeled as sloppy.

2) Learn the preferences of your assigning partners and supervisors, even if you think they are nitpicky. Find out exactly how anyone who is assigning you work wants it to be completed--printed or emailed? Paper-clipped or stapled? Find out each person's stylistic preferences for pleadings and motions--and don't just stop there, make a running list of the types of edits you receive on work from each partner so that you can start to learn what they do and do not like. It's impressive when a partner doesn't have to tell an associate something twice because the associate referred back to The List before turning in another assignment to that partner.

3) Read this article. Do basically everything it says. Better yet, print it out, highlight it, and ever so casually leave a copy laying on your desk for when the partners come into your office (as I have unashamedly done).

4) Start carving out an area of expertise as soon as possible, read as much as you can about that topic, and make it known to others that you are really interested in that area so that they are more likely to assign cases in that area to you. I've made it known in my practice group that I love working with the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act. Since 90% of family law attorneys hate those cases and I actually really like them, I've been given a lot of responsibility on any cases that our firm gets that have to do with the UCCJEA.

5) Make a professional development plan. My plan includes hard skills I would like to develop (taking a deposition, arguing a motion, writing a significant brief or motion for summary judgment, etc.), classes and conferences I would like to attend, networking activities I would like to be involved in, soft skills I would like to develop (things like being a better listener, taking more initiative, etc.), and industry publications I'm committing to keeping up with (and, down the road, hopefully writing articles for). Put deadlines into the plan. "By ____ date, I would like to have handled a client meeting by myself." This plan should also be printed out and casually placed on your desk next to that article described in point #3.

6) Do the job before you have it. If you want to be a partner at your firm someday, you need to start thinking, working, and strategizing on your cases as if you already are one. If you were handling the case by yourself, what would you do? Don't be afraid to offer unsolicited ideas on case strategy to partners, to take the initiative to research ideas on your own and present them as options to partners, and even to present alternative solutions to a problem.

7) Do the little things well. Always keep up with your billing; no one should have to ask you to do this. Proofread all of your emails before you hit send--it's amazing how often people don't do this. Keep up with your paperwork and keep your office reasonably organized, or else people might think you are a slob. Always show up to everything on time, even if it's just a quick meeting in the office.

8) Networking is now your job just as much as it was before you had a job. Go to events, join your local bar association, volunteer somewhere, and follow up with people you meet. This is how you begin to establish both your reputation in the legal community and a client base.

9) Volunteer for anything and everything you can. Volunteer to write short articles for your local bar association newsletter, to draft up new policies for your firm on e-discovery, to head up fundraising for the campaign to raise money for pro bono organizations, etc. Demonstrate a willingness to jump into things with energy and enthusiasm and the greater opportunities won't be too far away.

10) Don't wear green nail polish to work.

My Attempted Return to the Blogging World

Readers, I know it has been a long time. And some of you probably about gave up on me ever writing again, which I can't say I blame you for! I've realized lately that this blog is one of several things that I really enjoyed doing in law school and then just kind of stopped doing, for no good reason, once I moved and started working full-time. I know that's pretty common when we make a big transition--we get busy and totally caught up in new things and then suddenly realize that we've let some things we really enjoy fall by the wayside. And that's exactly the way I feel about this blog. I have so enjoyed sharing my thoughts, pictures, goals, life events, and so forth with each of you over the last three years, and I'm just not ready to call it quits on this blog yet. I also can't use "I'm too busy" as a legitimate excuse because I'm honestly no busier than I was in law school, it's just a different kind of busy that comes with working at a firm vs. juggling classes and a million extracurricular activities in law school. So, with that said, I'm ready to get back into this. And honestly, even if my writing only impacts approximately three people, it's still totally worthwhile to me.

So here are some general updates from the last few months:

• I have worked at my law firm for approximately 8 months now. It definitely doesn't feel like that long! I am excited about how much more I know now and am comfortable with now than I was even a few short months ago. I still greatly enjoy working with family law clients and on the types of cases we handle. I find it to be so meaningful and something that I feel like I can make a difference doing.
• Meagan and I head out to Haiti for our second annual mission/ volunteer/ love on all the children trip in just two weeks! This year we'll be in the village of Mesaye, painting, planting trees, spending time with kids, going to the local Haitian church, distributing health kits to families and teaching them about basic hygiene, etc. I am so excited!
• I just ran my third half marathon yesterday and beat my previous personal best by 15 minutes! I love these runs because they make me realize that even though I am not (and have never been) athletic or even particularly strong, I am still capable of pushing myself hard and getting across that finish line. My personal record to finish those 13.1 miles now stands at 3 hours and 3 minutes, which I know most people would probably consider unbelievably slow, but for me, it's still something I'm proud of because a few years ago, I never would have thought I could run that far, period.
• I'm getting prepared for a whirlwind summer of travel. Plans include the Haiti trip (obviously), going to Florida for a work conference in May, going to Chicago for work in June, and then going to New York and Florida in July. Chicago, New York, and Florida are actually three weekends in a row . . . that could get pretty crazy, especially since I'm not taking any days off for any of the trips but am just squeezing them into the weekends. And of course, I definitely want to go on Lauren's third annual Tybee Island beach vacation, which may end up happening over Labor Day weekend because I can't take any more days off because, in addition to my week off for Haiti, Meagan and I are planning a big trip to Europe at the end of November (Iceland, France, Italy, Luxembourg). We are incredibly excited! #singleladiestraveling
• I am still loving my not-so-new-anymore apartment, and my cat, and exploring and learning all the ins and outs of this beautiful city. I've found my favorite places to go running, and the coffee shop that just feels like home and where I can write for hours, and a church that I really love, and my favorite places to eat and shop and go hiking and take friends when they come visit me. I'm still working on really developing a social life and strong friendships and community here, but I know that that is a process that can take a long time, so I'm just trying to keep putting myself out there.
• I just read Lisa Scottoline's latest book, Keep Quiet, and it is great! I have a ton of other books on my "to read" list, including The Innocent Man by John Grisham, Leaving Time and The Storyteller by Jodi Picoult (duh I have some Jodi Picoult books on this list--love her!), Born to Run by Christopher McDougall, The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown, Defending Jacob by William Landay, and more. I want to start reading at least one book a week, because I know that is totally doable, and a much better use of my time than just watching TV. 
• I am loving Passion's new album, Even So Come. The link is to one of the songs, but they are all amazing. I have been playing them in my car nonstop. 
• I am getting ready to start a personal Bible-reading journey through the Psalms (which may definitely lend itself to some blog posts in the future). I am eager to get back into a devotional routine--this is something I have really struggled with in the last few months, and I know it has not been the priority for me that it certainly should be. If you have any tips on how to make time for quality Bible study, let me know in the comments. 

Well, that's it for now. I hope you all are enjoying your Sundays!

Press On

Some of you have asked me to share a little more about my upcoming trip to Haiti and why serving kids and families in a totally different country than my own means so much to me. I'm hoping maybe I can explain that a little bit more by sharing a couple verses with you.

Hosea 6:3 says, "Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring." I have always loved this verse because it portrays knowing God as something we work at and push for and strain for--it doesn't always come naturally and it involves seeking after Him with all our hearts--but the reward is so beautiful and so certain. He will respond to us as surely as even the changing of the seasons.

But then what does it mean, exactly, to know the Lord? This is such a multifaceted concept and I know I can't fully dig into that in this small space....but Jeremiah 22:16 shares at least one thing that knowing the Lord most definitely encompasses. It says, "He defended the rights of the poor and needy . . . isn't that what it means to know me?"

Well, isn't it? God's heart is for the poor and needy and broken and voiceless, and it's always been that way! If you tried to cut out every part of Scripture where it talks about justice for the poor, helping the needy and orphans and widows, and speaking up for those who can't speak up for themselves, your Bible would literally be full of holes because it's everywhere. Everywhere. God spoke up for us when we couldn't speak up for ourselves! While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He stood in the gap for us. He fully embraced our brokenness and took our dirt and grime and scars and shame upon himself. The economy of God has never favored the rich and powerful! The economy of God blesses the last in line, the utterly devastated, the outcasts, the sick, the impoverished, and the desperate . . . a woman who's been bleeding for 12 years, a criminal gasping out his final breaths on a cross, a widow down to her last two pennies. And we are each commanded over and over again in Scripture to jump on board with God's way of looking at things, to embrace His deeply compassionate heart, knowing that whatever we do for the least of these, we are truly, truly doing for Him.

Isn't this one major way in which we can press on to know the Lord? If God's heart is for the poor and broken--both physically and spiritually--how can ours not be as well? As Christians, we are called to truly be the hands and feet of Jesus in a broken, hurting, hungry, impoverished world. We can't be content to just sit back and let suffering happen, or let injustices prevail. It's easier and more convenient and rocks our world less to sit back and do nothing, but I just can't sit back and do nothing. I'm not willing to sit back and do nothing when there are needs to be met, cups of cold water to be given out, love to be offered in tangible, practical ways to people who need it the most. When we love other people in this way, we are pressing on to know the Lord! We press on to know and acknowledge the Lord when we get behind what He is behind and go where He goes, because His grace goes absolutely everywhere . . . to the prisons and brothels and crack houses and homeless shelters and orphanages, and to desperately poor villages in need of hope like Titanyen, Haiti. I want to know God more deeply today than I knew Him yesterday, and when we love the broken, we press on to know the Lord because that is SO near and dear to the heart of God. There's a lot of desperate need in Haiti, and there's a lot of need right in front of us, too, in our own communities. I feel a strong calling to be a part of what God is doing in Haiti and such a love for the people there, and ultimately I feel an overwhelming urge to hear the heartbeat of God wherever I go, whether it's loving orphans in a tiny Haitian village or fighting for children to be protected by our legal system at my job every day. God's made it so clear that His heart beats for the broken and needy, so shouldn't ours too? Let's be about our Father's business and love what He loves and be passionate about what He is passionate about, because this is part of what it means to press on and push forward and lay aside every hindrance to know the Lord. We serve and love because He first loved us. We are the instruments of His grace because we have first received His grace. And I want my life to be well done, not just well said . . . don't you?

Press on.

You Don't Have Time

You don't have time to wait till tomorrow to do what God has called you to do today.

You don't have time to sit around waiting for the "right moment" to act on your God-given talents and abilities . . . there's a broken world out there and it needs you NOW.

You don't have time to know the good you ought to do without doing it. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow.

You can't wait till tomorrow to live your life on mission and to be about your Father's business . . . do it today! If you're not living your life on mission, why not? What exactly are you waiting for?

You don't have time to get to so caught up in the world's flimsy and ephemeral definition of success that you forget to give a cup of cold water to someone in need. Doing good is more important than doing well. And we don't do good works so that we are saved . . . we do them because we are saved.

You don't have time to be living your life with anything less than a sense of passionate urgency, because the days run short. As the Psalmist said, "Teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom!" Number them . . . it is ok to stop and ponder once in awhile on the fact that your life won't last forever. Though some would claim this is morbid, what better way to become thankful for the breath and life you have today--and then to go out and do something with it? Something compassionate and inspiring and God-honoring and hopeful and fearless?

You don't have time to build your life on the shifting sands of wealth, beauty, success, power, and fame. Build your life on a firm foundation, one you know will hold fast, come what may.

You don't have time to waste comparing yourself to others or your life to so-and-so's life when you could just be following Jesus. As Jesus said to his disciple Peter, "What is that to you? You must follow me!" (John 21:22)

Get off the couch and do what God has called you to do, and do it now! Believe me, I'm speaking to myself more than to anyone else . . . but really, just do it. I don't know what it is for you. I know what it is for me . . . I literally have a list right now of specific tasks I feel God is leading me to do and it's time for me to get moving on it.

Don't waste your time, because that's what your life is made of. Get up and get moving. I need to follow Jesus. You need to follow Jesus. No one has time for anything less than that.

Happy New Year!

Readers, I am back after my long but much-needed hiatus. Maintaining this blog has just not been a high priority for me in the last couple of months as I've been busy with work, and I can't promise it will be that high of a priority in 2015 either, but I have missed writing and I do want to try to give you at least a few posts a month moving forward. So don't give up on me yet!

As is everyone else, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on everything that happened in 2014 and all the goals I have for 2015. In a way, I was sorry to see 2014 go. God has been very, VERY faithful and kind to me in the past year, and I've had the sheer joy of seeing Him answer prayers with a "yes" that I had previously thought might always be answered with a "no." He has worked in my life in ways that previously He had not worked, placed opportunities in front of me that I could not have imagined having, and walked with me while I've faced a lot of my fears, teaching me that I wanted to pursue His plans for me more than I was afraid of pursuing them, and these past few days I've just been celebrating that. With graduating from law school, my trip to Haiti (where I left a little piece of my heart), starting a job I absolutely love as an attorney, moving to the city I've wanted to live in for a long time, passing the bar exam, running my first two half-marathons, and appearing in court on behalf of real clients for the first time ever, this past year has been full of exciting and happy moments. I can't wait for many more to come in the year ahead as I encounter new challenges and tackle more things I've never tackled before.

Some of my goals for 2015?

• Go to Iceland and see the Northern Lights
• See the Colosseum in Rome
• Watch the sun rise/ set over the Eiffel Tower (these first three should be able to be accomplished on the trip to Europe, traveling through Iceland, that Meagan and I are planning for late fall of 2015)
• Begin handling my own cases at the firm
• Do a deposition by myself
• Appear in court by myself (as opposed to being supervised by my boss, as I was when I did trials this fall)
• Go to New York City and see a show on Broadway
• Read at least 50 books
• Go to Haiti again
• Get sworn in to practice law before the Georgia Court of Appeals and the Georgia Supreme Court
• Read the Bible from cover to cover
• Become a better listener (it has come to my attention that I'm not really such a great listener. Time to improve on this vital skill). 
• Pay off all credit card debt and start a new habit of saving cash BEFORE I buy things instead of putting them on credit and paying them off later. 

Well, I wish I had some deeply inspirational thoughts for 2015 but I really don't. I'm just excited to be getting back to blogging after so long away! I am going to try to be kinder, more joyful, more determined, more tenacious, and more fearless in 2015 than I was in 2014, and I hope you will too. Happy New Year!

Readers, We Need to Catch Up.

There has been so much going on lately that I haven't even had time to breathe. That trial that I mentioned we were having? I didn't end up just sitting at counsel table and helping plan strategy . . . I was doing a direct examination of a witness after having been sworn in on Monday and getting my bar number/ official bar license on Wednesday. I have spent the last two weeks preparing everything for this trial with the help of my boss and our paralegal. It was fun, but I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on. We don't know the results yet, but we will know something next week. I did my questioning, and I made some objections to opposing counsel (which got overruled, but at least I made them). This is me getting sworn in to the State Bar of Georgia:

Even after getting sworn in, I STILL wasn't officially an attorney until Wednesday when I got my bar number, but now, I am a full-fledged attorney and fully licensed to practice law in Georgia. Finally! I resigned from being a "law clerk" forever . . . and I can't hide behind that title anymore. Telling someone you're a law clerk, or having an email signature that says that's what you are, kind of alerts the world that you are young and inexperienced, perhaps even still a student. But when your email signature says you're an associate attorney, there's no way for anyone else to tell whether you've been practicing law for 40 years or 2 days. So it's a little scary, and I know that I'm going to be expected to start making a lot more of my own decisions about at least smaller matters on cases now that I can practice without supervision. And I can sign documents to be filed with the court with MY bar number on them!

So needless to say, work has been crazy busy lately, and my first thoughts upon waking have been about things like whether we need to get domestic relations financial affidavits updated or how to get in a certain kind of evidence over a hearsay objection. I'm starting to learn what it feels like to be a real attorney and to have a hard time leaving work at work--I've been thinking about my cases and checking my work email all the time lately, even plotting out trial strategy in the shower. 

But this morning I woke up and realized that at the moment, I'm not stressed out about a single thing, and I can't tell you how good it feels! This is the first weekend I've officially been a member of the bar, and I'm no longer stressing about when I'll finally get sworn in or when I'll get a bar number or whether something else will hold up me getting my license. I tackled the rest of the case issues that were blowing up all of last week by the end of the day yesterday, so I'm going to be starting pretty fresh on Monday with new things. And I LOVE being a real attorney. I just love it. Also, lately I've been connecting with other people at work that I hadn't really talked with much since I got started in August, and I'm feeling so much more like an integral part of the team and am being myself around people. I absolutely love how these days, I don't just come in and head straight to my office in the morning; now there's almost always a few minutes of laughing with people in the break room before I get going each day. 

So today, it feels wonderful not to have any big stuff hanging over my head. It feels great to still be in my pajamas at 12:48 pm on this freezing November day after spending the morning sleeping, listening to music, updating LinkedIn, etc. Last night I went to Barnes and Noble and pretty much spent my paycheck there (well, not quite, but I went a little wild buying books). Can't wait to read all of these:

I don't read very much at all these days except articles online and magazines, and I really want to get back into books. It feels more relaxing at the end of a long day to just watch TV, but I know I've grown up loving reading and don't want to lose that as I get older. So, I want to read all 6 of these books before the end of the year for sure, and then I'm probably going to go back and buy more. I know I can always go to the library, but I've been specifically wanting to add to my own book collection also, so that's what I'm trying to do right now. There's something deeply satisfying and inviting about having shelves full of great books, isn't there?

Let's see, what else do we need to catch up on? For one, I adopted a cat! His name is Max, and he is so precious and I've totally fallen in love with him:

Isn't he completely adorable? He has already brightened my life so much--I love coming home to him every night and cuddling on my couch and listening to him purr. 

And let's see, here's a picture from my sister's visit a couple weeks ago after a coffee date with our friend: 

And a couple city-at-night pictures I took recently:

As soon as I finish doing my "Saturday chores" and cleaning my apartment this afternoon (much needed, haha), I will try to post some pictures of my new apartment and how I've decorated it. I've been meaning to do that for awhile and just haven't had the chance. More to come soon!

It's OK to Be Afraid

This post has been a long time coming. What I'm about to write about is something I have been thinking about this entire year, and on Tuesday last week, I was sitting at Panera eating my lunch when the words finally just came to mind, cohesively, and I started typing them out in a note on my phone as fast as I could. So here you have it.

I think we as Christians tend to believe that we should never be afraid and that we need to step it up in the faith department if we find ourselves feeling afraid. After all, the Bible does say not to worry, not to be anxious, and not to fear, and it says it a LOT. And I'm not here to advocate for giving in to brooding anxieties or constant worry about our lives, or for succumbing to the misguided belief that God will not pull us through whatever situation we find ourselves in, because that's clearly not what God wants us to do. But.

Isn't it true that being afraid forces us to embrace raw dependence on God? On Tuesday I was having a conversation with God (at Panera over a bowl of autumn squash soup) about how I so often feel afraid, underqualified, and overwhelmed at my new job. Not because the people aren't wonderful and the work isn't what I want to do--it's not that at all. It's that more often than not, I have no idea what I'm doing. 9 times out of 10 when I'm given an assignment to do, it is something I have never done before and I have to find a way to figure it out. I'm getting sworn in (yay!) a week from tomorrow, but that also means I will be licensed to practice law just in time for a major trial we have on November 13th--which means I will be not only attending the trial, but sitting at counsel table beside my boss and helping him plan strategy and figure out our next move. Kind of intimidating. I'm in a whole new world now, and I don't usually have a clue what I am doing, although I am starting, bit by bit, to learn. I'm having to get familiar with a whole different crowd of very experienced family law attorneys, and am often asked to go to events "on behalf of" my bosses or my firm. (You guys do know I have like 10 weeks of experience compared to your 20+ years, right??) Back in the summer, at one point I wrote in my journal something to the effect of: "Everything significant I have left to do this year scares me so much. Taking the bar exam, starting my job, getting licensed to practice law, moving, finding a new place to live, making new friends, etc. Everything." And sometimes, I do wonder if I can make the cut here, if I can be good enough as an attorney, and if I can overcome my inexperience and the fact that I'm younger than the next youngest attorney in my firm by 5 years. So just being honest, I feel afraid and "not cut out for this" a lot. I can't claim that I am diving into this with all confidence, because that's just not true.

But in that moment, telling God all these fears, I just felt Him saying in my spirit, "Lauren, you're acting like you came here to be comfortable. You didn't move here and take this job to be comfortable. You came here to make yourself and your life better, to be challenged and to grow, to develop new skills, and to stretch yourself to accomplish things you didn't believe you could accomplish. It's ok to be afraid sometimes. It's ok to have that adrenaline rush of looking at your life and realizing you have no clue what to do next and no clue whether you are even capable of doing that next thing. I want to induce in you a raw and constant grasping dependence on my Spirit and relentless straining for my presence, and this is how you get there. This. Not having a clue, not knowing what to do next, not sure you can make it through the next challenge without making a fool of yourself. This is where you're supposed to be AND it's how your're supposed to feel! This was never supposed to be easy, and you never signed up for something easy. Doing something significant is scary, and that is ok. You wouldn't have to be afraid if you were just sitting on your butt doing nothing or suppressing your potential, but that's not what I want for your life. If you were never afraid, you'd start convincing yourself that you don't need me. And you DO need me. Every day, every hour, every minute."

Well. After that little pep talk, I don't think I need to complain to God about being afraid anymore. Sometimes our deepest trust in our Savior is born of our greatest fears. And maybe, just maybe, if you feel like you aren't qualified and don't even know what your next move should be, you are exactly where God wants you to be for Him to show you--and the world through you--how strong and capable He is. Remember, He displays his greatest power in our greatest weakness. Pushing yourself to do things you don't believe you can do, but that you know you are called to do, puts you in a position to see God's power on display in your life.

I am not always capable, but I serve a God who IS always capable. I am not always enough, but He is enough, I can't always do it, be He can. I fail, but He doesn't. When I am afraid, He's got it covered. If my fear creates in me that moment-to-moment dependence on the power, guidance, and wisdom of God, then bring it on.

Big News

So, I know you all probably want to know, so I'll just go ahead and tell you that I PASSED THE BAR EXAM!!! Of course, Friday was October 24th, the day that has loomed large in my mind for months, the day that was going to basically determine what a lot of my future is going to look like. This whole time, October 24th has been my stopping point. I could tell you what I'd probably be doing until then, but I couldn't tell you about after or plan for the days after. And now, I can! I get to live here indefinitely. I get to work at this law firm indefinitely. Indefinitely. There could not be a better word than that right now, since everything I have done in my adult life so far has been all about the end--college and law school have a predetermined end point and you know that no matter how much you're enjoying it, you will have to leave before long. I am absolutely thrilled that it is perfectly conceivable that I will be living in this city and working at this job ten years from now, or fifteen, or more. I get to STAY here indefinitely. And everything has changed as a result. I feel comfortable joining activities and truly making friends and committing to volunteer work and buying some furniture and things I need, and so forth, because I get to stay here. It's not temporary anymore, and literally everything else I have done since I was 18 years old has been all too temporary.

But before I go off any further on that tangent, let me tell you how it all actually happened. I will never forget where I was and who I was with when I found out. My sister Meagan flew in on Thursday night and was here till Monday morning. We had been planning for a long time that she was going to be here the weekend results came out. I had heard lots of different advice on how to handle checking bar results--should you do it with someone else or by yourself, where should you plan to check, etc. This may sound silly to some of you if you're thinking it's just like checking your grade on any old test, but it's not like that at all, because the very best case scenario is that if your name is not on that pass list, you will be spending a couple thousand dollars to take the test and a prep course again, and spending hundreds of hours to prepare for it. So checking those results is a very big nerve-wracking deal and you need to plan ahead for how you're going to find out. I had been thinking the whole time that I was going to leave my phone off all day Friday (to avoid getting texts from people about results), leave work a little early, and go check results at home with my sister. Then on Thursday afternoon D. asked me to go to this deposition with him the next day and told me it could last all day. (He was like, "What do you have going on tomorrow, besides this whole bar thing?" Um . . . not much!) So he told me that I could just excuse myself whenever I needed to so that I could go check results.

So at 10am on Friday I was sitting in opposing counsel's office and we were doing this deposition. At basically the last minute on Friday morning, I changed my mind and told Meagan to text me right away if I passed. I had been so hesitant to do that because I didn't want to be assuming the worst if I didn't hear anything from her--but I also by all means did not want to find out bad news in public. So we took a couple breaks during the deposition and each time I checked my phone for messages. At 11:50, I checked my phone again. Still nothing. At that point I got very nervous because I had had a gut feeling all along that the results were going to be released around noon, even though they weren't guaranteed to be posted before 4:30. At about 12:10, we finished the deposition and D. went into another room to meet with the opposing counsel while I stayed in the conference room with the client. I pulled out my phone again and saw that I had a picture message from Meagan, and I immediately knew what it was because I had told her to send me a screenshot of the pass list, not just to tell me "You passed!" It was in fact a screenshot of the list and my name was on it, and I just was like, "I passed the bar exam, I passed the bar exam!!" and the client and I hugged and D. and I hugged and I just kept saying, "I just don't even know what to say right now." I was just so, so relieved, and surprised, and happy, and it felt like the weight of the WORLD had just fallen off my shoulders. And then there was drinks with the coworkers, and a fancy dinner with my sister, and shopping, and cupcakes, and champagne, and you get the idea! We had a great weekend. And now, I still have to get sworn in to the State Bar of Georgia, but once I do that in two weeks or so, I will be a licensed attorney!