I Don't Want to Be in a Relationship.

I know that this puts me in a category with what seems like about 1% or less of people my age: Not only am I not in a relationship right now, but I have absolutely no desire to be in one. Not now, and not for a LONG time in the future.

I love being single. That's not sarcasm at all--I mean, I really love it. I love that I can make big plans for my future and be able to pursue what I feel led to pursue without being tied down by someone else's plans. I'm young, and I love that I don't have to fit my life into someone else's. I love that I can do what I want to do on Friday night, whether it's going out with friends or staying in and reading a book. I love being able to go where I want and do what I want without having to check in with anyone. I love that I can spend time with any friends that I want, male or female, without feeling guilty about it or worried that my significant other won't like my friends. And with no offense meant toward anyone, I guess I just don't want to spend every waking moment with one person right now. Most girls I know who are in relationships, for example, have dinner with their boyfriends EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I just don't want to spend that much time with one person right now.

But my culture makes me feel very guilty about loving being single. I'm not supposed to love it. I'm supposed to hate it and be willing to do just about anything to be in a relationship. It is not assumed that single people have full, complete lives (but I would very much like to challenge that assumption). It is assumed that their lives are "unfinished," if you will, searching, and sometimes desperate. Just in terms of cultural norms, when people ask me if I'm dating someone, I'm not really allowed to say the truth: "No, I'm not dating anyone because I love being single." No, you're expected to give people very clear, logical reasons as to why exactly you aren't dating, and a clear timeline of when you expect to start dating in the future. Hence my classic excuse, aided by the fact that I went straight from college to law school: "I'm waiting until I finish school." And on top of making us single ladies feel like we can't possibly not be planning to date someone in the very clearly defined future, I know many people would dismiss every reason I just gave for loving singleness as being totally selfish. While I do understand how it could seem that way to some, at the heart of it, why is it selfish to pursue the lifestyle you want? Most of the single people I know still care deeply about others, are invested in their friendships, active in their communities, successful in their work, etc. They're giving and contributing and mentoring and investing and making a difference. They are not selfish simply because they're pursuing the life they want in terms of their relationships--just like it's not fair to tell people who are in relationships that they're selfish just because of that fact.

Just as people have the right to pursue a relationship if it makes them happy, they should also be able to not pursue a relationship if that's the lifestyle they want, without having other people wonder what's wrong with them and when they'll come around and realize that they need to Start Dating Right Now. And don't even get me started on the offensive articles out there about "why you're still single" that accuse single people of being weird, immature, unable to take care of themselves, and socially awkward. I mean, really? Moreover, I'm tired of the idea that single people aren't really "adults" yet, and I don't even know where this notion came from. It's not as if getting a boyfriend or girlfriend suddenly transforms you into an adult, or as if single people aren't paying their bills, working really hard, and taking care of themselves just like any other adults.

Don't get me wrong. I am delighted for my friends who are happily dating, engaged, and married (and a couple of my friends have really wonderful marriages and I think, someday, I probably will want a marriage like theirs). I am just as happy for my friends who, like me, are happily single. But here's a little secret: I'm not waiting to finish school before I start dating. That's an excuse because I know most people won't be ok with the real answer. I'm not dating because I don't want to be dating! (I'm laughing right now just imagining the responses I might get to that if I said that to people when I go home over Thanksgiving break!) I highly doubt that in 7 months when I graduate I'll suddenly want to start dating (or in a year, or a year and a half, etc., but that's neither here nor there). Of course I don't know what will happen in the future, but based on the fact that I've been very happily single for my entire adult life so far, I would definitely anticipate that I'll probably be perfectly happy working for a few years before I even want to think about dating. So what if I'm 27, or 30, or 32, and not in a relationship! If I'm happy and doing what I think God wants me to do, why does my personal relationship status even matter to anybody else?

I know that that's not acceptable to a lot of people. I know a lot of you all may be reading this and wondering who this weird girl is who just readily admitted that I've never even been in a real relationship and that's perfectly fine with me. But ultimately, we as a culture need to stop judging other people's choices to be, or not to be, in relationships, because it's offensive, and we need to just stop already. Anyway, that's my two cents. Thoughts?

I'm Tired of Hearing That True Love Waits.

I'm a little scared to even write about this topic for fear that my intentions or feelings might be misunderstood . . . but you know, I've written a series on relationships and singleness before and I feel the need to approach that topic once again!

So here's what's on my heart.

Every Christian young woman has heard it before, probably about a thousand times: True love waits. You may have worn the ring with that motto, read all the books about it, heard the speakers, gone to the youth group events, sang the songs, taken the pledges, etc. And still you wait.

I understand that "true love waits" was initially intended to refer to purity and saving intimacy for a future husband, and don't get me wrong--that is so Biblical and so good (not to mention so counter-cultural). And maybe I'm about to be too hard on whoever first came up with that slogan, but hear me out. I am so tired of hearing that true love waits, and here's why.

First of all, in my estimation, about 95% of the time the concept of "waiting for marriage" is only addressed to women--not men. As if they don't need to wait, because they're not passive. They do, and they act, but we as women wait. Really? Is that really the message we want to send?

True love waits. I know that the "waiting" terminology started off meaning one thing, and a very honorable thing at that: preserving purity. But "waiting" has expanded way beyond its initial moorings in sexual purity, and it's become synonymous with this damaging overall attitude that pretty much all Christian single women are expected to have: you wait because it's the right thing to do, the only thing to do. You pray for a husband, and wait, and hone your domestic and babysitting skills, and learn how to cook a great lasagna and sew your own clothes, and then you wait some more. You put your life on hold because you're, you know, waiting. Because that's what true love does.

So many Christian young women I know have bought into this idea that finding a mate is the be-all and the end-all of life, and that until you find a husband, your life can't be complete. And so then your whole life is put in a holding pattern, and you're not getting anywhere, because you've placed marriage on a pedestal where it really doesn't belong, and you've idealized it. Or rather, you've idolized it.

And then, when women struggle to find a husband, a common problem, people around them start acting like God uses a form of divine reverse psychology, if you will. "Stop wanting it so much, and then you'll get it. Find your completeness in God, be spiritually satisfied in him, and when you least expect it, you'll find someone!" And then if it still doesn't happen, women who love Jesus more than anything and know it begin to question their own relationships with God, feeling like they've held up their end of the bargain and perhaps, He hasn't held up His. And the broken dreams can lead to broken spirits, leading women to want to rip the "true love waits" ring right off their finger and grieve because there's not an engagement ring to replace it. I don't mean to discount in any way the grief caused by an unfulfilled desire for a husband, because it is so real. I haven't been there yet, but friends have been there. Family has been there, and I know it is so painful to feel tantalized by something you feel like you just can't get.

But at its core, being spiritually satisfied in Christ is about being satisfied in Him and loving Him because He loved you first. He delights in you. He has written your name on the palms of His hands, engraved you on His heart. He sings songs of joy over you even if you never hear the sound. He laughs with you and cries with you and, in fact, even prays for you. Finding your joy and satisfaction in Jesus Christ is about that. Y'all, it's not a bargaining chip to find a husband. It's not like, "Just find your joy in the Lord, and then, you'll definitely be rewarded with a husband." It should not even be like that. Because knowing and loving the Lord is its own reward. It shouldn't be part of a deal we make with God. It shouldn't be something we cheapen to achieve our own ends. Am I guilty of trying to do that? Oh, yes, I am. We all are. Yet another reason why we all need grace, why Christ came to redeem lives just like ours.

And waiting, always waiting, for a mate, and engagement, and marriage, and a family . . . I think it engenders an attitude that we as women shouldn't be acting. We fall into the trap of thinking we shouldn't be out there pursuing our own dreams and living the lives God has blessed us with right now, because we should be waiting. I'm a feminist and I admit it, but isn't that a little archaic? Not trying to sound like Joel Osteen, but you can have your best life now. It doesn't have to be later. Don't wait to start the life God wants you to live. Don't wait for a husband. Don't wait for children. Don't wait to finally have that engagement ring on your left hand. Please, let's just stop waiting. Let's start pursuing our God-given passions, following God wherever He leads, dreaming, having a vision, and going for it. True love doesn't just have to wait. True love can act, and dream, and pursue a vision NOW. Go for it now. I promise, you won't miss the wait.

Debunking the Relationship Myths

And the grand finale for the relationship series . . . now that I've hopefully made you aware of some of the biggest myths about relationships, and why they're harmful, what are some practical things we can do to start debunking the myths and giving people a more realistic view of dating, relationships, and marriage? Here are some ideas I have:

• Support people of all relationship statuses--single, married, dating, divorced, widowed, etc.--within the church environment. Sadly, sometimes older single people become a sort of "orphan generation" in our churches, having few options to be a part of a group within the church that meets the unique needs they face on their spiritual journey. We should support programs and groups which respond to the needs of everyone in our churches, even those adults who don't fit into the traditional category of "married with families."
• Respect and value people for the talents and qualities they bring to the table on their own, not just in a current or potential relationship. Respect them for what they can offer through their careers, their unique skills, their spiritual gifts, their personality traits, and their goals. Refuse to send the message that someone must be in a relationship before their full potential can be realized. This is especially important for women--in a culture where women are not yet treated as equals with men in every arena, it is very important that we not subconsciously send the message to young women that their real value comes only through who they can be in a relationship with a guy (I strongly support equal rights, opportunities, and respect for women--if that makes me a feminist, so be it.)
• Believe that all people--you included--have tremendous worth in Jesus Christ whether you are single, married, dating, engaged, divorced, widowed, etc.
• Model Christlikeness, compassion, and love in any relationships you have.
• Encourage teaching and writing--both in the church and beyond--not just on issues that are unique to married couples, but those that are unique to singles as well. Also, when it comes to books and devotionals written for singles, I think we need to encourage more people who actually are single to speak up about these topics--whether through writing actual books, blogging, or otherwise. Have you ever noticed that about 9 times out of 10, any Christian book on how to navigate and enjoy life as a single person is written by one or both members of a couple? Of course married people can still have good insights to share with single people (after all, we're assuming they were single at one time!), but far too often, their writings take on the tone of, "If you would just do X, then God would bless you and you would be able to get married (like I did)." I'm afraid this approach doesn't make a lot of sense to single people. They need people who are actually in the same boat to speak about what the experience is really like for the many who are still waiting for a spouse, even when they're doing all the right things.
• Encourage young people to pursue some of their own goals--travel, advanced study, mission work, etc.--before jumping into a relationship if they haven't really considered some of the freedom and flexibility thay may have to give up to do so.
• Respect the fact that not everyone has the same goals when it comes to relationships, and that can be ok. Not everyone wants to get married in their twenties. Not everyone wants to get married at all. Not everyone wants to have children. But many of these people who are in "nontraditional" situations live lives of tremendous service to the kingdom of God. In short, let's not pressure people to adopt relationship-oriented goals that they may not have. We're not all cut from the same cloth, and that's ok.
• Recognize that marriage is beautiful and a gift of God, but that singleness can be the same.
• Believe that God can redeem broken relationships.

Guest Post: Being Single in a Relationship-Oriented World

Today I'm posting something that my sister Meagan wrote. This is her perspective that she wanted to contribute to "relationships and dating" week on the blog:

So this series of posts on relationships/dating could not have come at a better time. I went home this weekend for a wedding and got the usual barrage of questions about my relationship status (100% single, in case you were wondering). Like my mom trying to set me up with the latest guy that would be "just perfect" for me isn't bad enough, I had to navigate this awkward conversation: An older gentleman that I have known basically my entire life and really care about came up and said to me that he was just waiting for my wedding invitation. Ok...what?!?! First of all, I am totally single. Not even close. Most definitely not one of those girls that's "talking" to a random guy but they're not really boyfriend/girlfriend, and not one of those girls that's dating a guy but says she's single just because she's not engaged to her boyfriend of four years (newsflash: if that's you, you're not single!) No, I don't even have any prospects on the horizon. And second of all, why is that the first thing he said to me?? Didn't ask me about the new job I just started, didn't ask me how life was in Richmond, nothing like that. Even though he may not have meant it this way, it sure seemed that my relationship status (or lack thereof) was the most important thing about me in his eyes. 

Ok, let me get real. I'm usually pretty cool with being single. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone around to take my car in to get the oil changed every 3,000 miles (ok, I know that's not all they're good for!), but otherwise I like laying around in my underwear watching The Notebook at 11:00 on a Sunday night just because I can. But honestly...if other people cannot be content with me being single then how in the world am I supposed to be content being single?? And when my relationship status is the first question you ask me, it makes me want to avoid you because I get tired of having the same conversation. Don't you?! When there's something to be told, I will tell it.

For any single person, the most dreaded, annoying question that we face is when people ask, "Why are you still single?" I can say with 100% certainty that I am still single because God, in His timing that I know is perfect even if I don't always get it, hasn't brought the right person into my life yet. Thankfully I am not sitting around questioning, "Could he have been the one? Did I let the perfect guy get away?" because I KNOW that's not the case. But what on earth do people expect you to say when they ask that question? "Ummm...I'm still single because the last time a guy asked me out I posted a picture of what our children would look like on his Facebook wall and he mysteriously had to cancel. I'm still single because my seven cats are all the love I need in the world. I'm still single because I pick my nose in public and could win the 'Most Socially Awkward Person of the Year' award." Come on. One time a guy asked me this and I said, "I'm not sure - why do you think I'm single?" He got a panicked look in his eyes and said, "I don't know your life!!" and backed way up. Seriously though, it's the worst question ever. No one who is single because of some overwhelmingly negative quality is going to say that that's why just because you asked. And for the rest of us, honestly, we are just as puzzled as you are.

 

To wrap up, let me just share two things that have encouraged me as I wait on the Lord's timing:

1. It's better to want something you don't have than to have something you don't want. (Self-explanatory!)

2. When you get married, it will (hopefully) be for the rest of your life. That's a long time! We all have things that we want to do that would be more complicated if we had to take into account another person's wants and needs. Maybe you want to travel, take certain classes, run a marathon, do mission work, or something else. Once you are in a serious relationship or are married, it may become impractical or impossible to do some of these things. So why not do them now? Refuse to let your years of singleness be wasted years.

Relationships and Redemption

So I've spent the past few days writing about the "biggest relationship myths" which are typically found in Christian circles, writings, and teachings. Most of these myths start out well-intentioned but get very messed up over time. And I'll be honest: I had no intention of writing about this topic this week, and even though I wrote these posts at a feverish pace, pouring out my heart on these issues, it was kind of hard to write about them. Hard because I don't want to offend anyone, and it's possible that I did. Hard because sparking controversy is not my favorite activity, and my words may have done just that. Hard because sometimes a myth is more attractive than truth. And especially hard because I myself have believed some of these myths, even some for years. If you don't agree with me on some or all of these things, that's absolutely ok, and I'm more than willing to be a part of a dialogue on these issues. Like I said before, I'm not an expert on these topics, I'm just seeking out the truth and God's best for my life. I know I'm not always going to get it right, but I'm going to write as God leads me to write. And I will readily acknowledge that these beliefs I find damaging, that I've called "myths," probably all began from very well-intentioned people and teachings, but became distorted and blown out of proportion with time.

That said, have you been able to detect the common thread running through a lot of these myths? It's the idea that we have to get relationships completely right the first time, and that failed relationships and hearts that have broken over love for another person will haunt us forever and are beyond repair and out of reach of redemption. That they are unable to be turned into something beautiful. Basically, it's the idea that complete redemption doesn't extend to the area of relationships. And I'm not even going to euphemize that with the word "myth": this is completely and totally a lie.

A redemption that can't reach such a central area of our lives is no redemption at all. It's one that we've used our rules and our formulas to strip of its power. And that is a tragedy.

But I believe that God can redeem anything and forge something truly beautiful out of the nastiest, most tear-stained messes of our lives. In His kingdom, no experience we can have is worthless or beyond repair. He can redeem broken hearts. He can redeem lifelong singleness. He can redeem failed relationships, misplaced affections, shattered relational boundaries, and the grief that comes from missing what you had with a person so deeply that you don't know how to move forward. I don't know how you have been broken in this area, but I know that you have been. We all have. But nothing is exempt from redemption through Jesus Christ. Nothing. And that news is truly good. If Christ's death could restore our broken relationship with God Himself by tearing down the walls that separated us from Him, then surely His death and resurrection can redeem the brokenness that stems from our human relationships too. His love can still tear down dividing walls and rebuild broken spirits.

And so we should lay it all down before Him.

Biggest Relationship Myths: Part 3

. . . and the final installment:

Myth #8: You shouldn't date someone unless you're already pretty sure you'd be ok with marrying him or her. But my question is this: how in the world are you going to know if you want to marry someone if you don't date them first? In the past decade or so, dating has gotten a really bad reputation in Christian circles and has been viewed as an immature way to satisfy your desires, have fun, and play with another person's heart and emotions. But dating doesn't have to be a selfish way to use another person to meet your need for emotional connection with someone without the pressure of a serious commitment. Dating can be--and should be--a responsible, fun, appropriate way for two people to simply get to know each other on a deeper level so that they know whether they are willing to commit to each other long-term. And if and when they realize that they aren't willing to commit, then they do need to step away from the dating relationship before any deeper feelings develop.

Myth #9: Marriage will solve all your problems and it is the be-all and the end-all of life. No, I'm afraid it won't. I've heard that marriage is hard, and it takes ongoing work, effort, and commitment. Marriages can fail. Marriage isn't always the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And moreover, a marriage will probably be happier if the people involved don't expect it to do things it can't do--like complete them or offer them ultimate fulfillment. Only a relationship with Jesus Christ can do that. No marriage is ideal. And while marriage usually adds a lot of joy to life, many, many people are happy and fulfilled without it.

Myth #10: If you've had your heart broken, it means that you gave away a part of your heart that you now will never be able to give to your future spouse. And it means you're basically damaged goods. This is one of the most damaging lies I've ever heard about relationships. In an ideal world, sure, the only person you'd ever "give your heart to" would be your spouse. And no one's heart would ever get broken. But it isn't an ideal world. We don't always get things right the first time. It doesn't mean there's no opportunity for a satisfying relationship in the future. Plus, I'm not convinced that "giving your heart" to someone is such a bad thing anyway. I've "given my heart" to a lot of people--family and close friends of both sexes, at least in the sense that I have loved and trusted these people deeply and shared deep parts of my life experience, hopes, and dreams with them. And yes, my vulnerability with others has sometimes led to hurt and disappointment. But that doesn't mean I have any less love and trust to offer my husband someday. Love given away is multiplied, not divided into little pieces until someday you realize, "Oops! I don't have any left to give."

And the Final Myth: When it comes to relationships, you'd better hit the nail on the head the first time. There is no room for trial and error. (This sums up the myths about how you shouldn't get your heart broken, and how the first person you fall in love with will be your spouse, and how you shouldn't date unless you think you will marry the person). Here's the thing: I believe that marriage is intended to be for life, and that we should do everything we can to make a marriage work once we are in one. In that sense, I don't think there should be room for "trial and error" in marriage relationships. Once you've made that commitment, you shouldn't back out because you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But, this truth has been needlessly extrapolated backward to give rise to the idea that you shouldn't really date, and your heart shouldn't be broken, and the first serious relationship you're in--the one where you fall in love--had better be with your spouse (and if it's not, well, you have less to offer your spouse someday). But it's not really true. Again, we don't live in a perfect world, and try as we might, we won't always get it right the first time. Please don't misunderstand me: yes, we are to strive for exemplary purity in all of our relationships--romantic and otherwise. Yes, men and women should guard their hearts and minds both with respect to the opposite sex and to all the thoughts that we take captive and allow to enter into our minds. Yes, we should take a stand against the larger culture that says that a relationship is all about ME and getting what I want, and remember that Jesus showed us by example that to love someone means to sacrifice and give of ourselves. And we certainly shouldn't be recklessly and thoughtlessly entering into relationships, knowing that our rash behavior will inevitably scar our own hearts or someone else's. But because we're human, we won't always do relationships perfectly. And even if we could do it perfectly, we may not always get the perfect fairy-tale ending. But God is bigger than our failures; our mistakes were never meant to define us. God can redeem our failures. And what a great Redeemer He is.

. . . Come back tomorrow as I explore this: What can our view of relationships reveal about our understanding of redemption? How does the redemption we have in Christ matter--right here, right now--for our relationships?

Biggest Relationship Myths: Part 2

. . . continuing from yesterday:

Myth #5: It's selfish to be in a long-term relationship or marriage and to not intend to have a houseful of children and to exemplify the classic American dream family. Just as I don't believe that everyone is supposed to get married, not everyone is supposed to have children, either. Not everyone wants to have children or would be great parents. Yes, social protocol states that you will get married around the ages of 22-27 and proceed to have 2.3 kids, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence. But I think it doesn't make any sense, and is almost prideful, to say that someone who wants to get married but doesn't want kids is selfish. I know I'm stating the obvious here, but not everybody can have kids, and many of these people know that they can't long before they get married. And for those who can, not everyone wants to or feels called by God to have children, and I think that is 100% OK. Honestly, saying that everyone has to be a parent is like saying that everyone has to be a plumber, or a Marine, or an air traffic controller--regardless of whether they have the skills, the desire, the right circumstances, or the calling to be able to do it. And really, what's more selfish: choosing not to have children because you know it isn't right for you, or having children you really didn't want and aren't ready to care for just to please other people and fit in to social expectations? It's not our place to judge people for wanting to get married, but not wanting to follow that up with parenthood.


Myth #6: Being spiritually compatible with someone is the only compatibility that really matters. It is the first thing you need to find out AND the first thing that should attract you to a potential spouse. Don't get me wrong: spiritual compatibility is very important. I believe Christians are to marry other Christians so that they aren't walking in opposite directions in terms of faith. And you don't want to find yourself in a situation where you are deeply committed to the Lord, but your spouse doesn't want to read the Bible, pray, or talk about spiritual issues with you. So why is this on the myth list? Because it's turned into this wrong idea that if you are spiritually compatible with someone, nothing else should really matter that much--like whether the person has similar (non-spiritual) goals, or makes you laugh, or enjoys some of the same activities that you enjoy. It's not as if you can check spiritual compatibility off the list and then forget about everything else you want in a spouse. It's ok to want qualities in a spouse that aren't overtly spiritual. And here's the other thing. You may have some sense of where your date is at spiritually--maybe you've seen him or her at your church, or grown up together, or happened to end up in the same Bible study. But if you're just meeting them and getting to know them for the first time, where they stand spiritually may not come out the very first time you spend time with them--and that's ok. It's take time to get to know someone, and typically, deep spiritual issues aren't going to come up on the first date or two. I don't think people need to grill their date about spiritual questions before they even have a basis for a relationship with them--those questions will be answered in due time. And finally, there's nothing wrong with you if the first thing that attracted you to another person is their laugh, or their smile, or their intelligence--and NOT a faith-related quality (read: I saw them raise their hands during worship at church and I knew immediately that they were the one).


Myth #7: If you are in your early twenties and don't have at least a general plan of when you're getting married, you're weird and/ or you seriously need to re-assess your priorities for the future. But the fact is, unless you're already engaged or an engagement is imminent, you can't plan when you're getting married. I could say all I want to that I plan to get married when I'm 25, but that would be silly, especially because there's not a guy in the picture right now. Two people have to agree and be at the same place in their lives in order for a marriage to happen (I talked about this same issue when I wrote about singleness here.) And there's nothing wrong with focusing on things you CAN control--like your career or higher education--instead of trying to plan something that you can't control. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married at a certain age or time, but I don't think people can be expected to have "plans" for how marriage is going to fit into their lives when they may not even be dating yet. Making those plans when there's no immediate way for them to become reality is a set-up for disappointment.


Come back tomorrow to read about the last few myths!

Biggest Relationship Myths: Part 1

Disclaimer: I'm no expert on dating, relationships, and marriage. I'm just a 23-year-old woman seeking God's best for her life in all of these areas. But this list that I've created reflects "advice" and "wisdom" about these topics that are very prevalent in Christian circles (and one or two are prevalent in the larger culture as well). But I don't think that this "wisdom," while it may come from well-meaning people, is very wise at all. Many of these things I have heard from various sources since I was a child, but that still doesn't make them right. Over the past few years, realizing that some of these things are just plain wrong has been like a breath of fresh air.

So here are, in my opinion, the biggest myths about relationships (here's 4 for now, more coming tomorrow):

Myth #1: The first man or woman that you genuinely fall in love with will be your husband or wife--if it's not, then you messed up somewhere. If you have feelings for someone who doesn't end up being your spouse, it's nothing more than shallow infatuation or a "major crush"--and if you think otherwise, then you're too immature to know the difference between infatuation and love. I think that this myth reflects a completely unrealistic view of love that can be very damaging, especially to young women. Because the fact is, we live in an imperfect world, and people fall in love and get their hearts broken. People also genuinely fall in love but watch as time, circumstance, career, or God's leading in their lives pulls them apart instead of toward marriage. You can fall in love with someone that you don't end up marrying. When someone says that they fell in love with another person and continually get shot down ("it was just infatuation"), what they hear is: "You don't know the first thing about love because you're just too young and too immature. You don't know what your own experience was (even though somehow I do)." This is simply wrong. You're not always going to get your perfect fairy tale ending that goes like this: "My first real love was my husband/ wife." Sorry--it may happen once in awhile, but in general, it's not reality.

Myth #2: You shouldn't make a list of qualities you are looking for in a mate, because it is too idealistic and sets you up for disappointment. This myth comes from good intentions--trying to keep people (especially women) from having ridiculously high standards or detailed qualifications of what they are looking for in a mate, which are likely to only result in disappointment as one person after another falls short. But what's wrong with it is that I think it encourages people to never really think about, or articulate, what they want in a mate. It suggests that having anything that even resembles a " what I want in a mate" list is a bad idea. But before you begin looking for a mate, I think it is a very good idea to at least have some clue what kind of person you're looking for! And I don't think that having a list of qualities you think you would like in your mate is a bad idea by any stretch of the imagination.

Myth #3 (which follows on #2): If you do have a list of qualities you are looking for, you'll really only be satisfied with someone who has most of those qualities. People often say the "List" is a bad idea because it puts you in a box and makes you ignore any potential with someone who doesn't match up well to the qualities it contains. But the fact is, the List is a jumping-off point of qualities we think we would like in a mate; it's not a dealbreaker list such that any date who doesn't have every single quality gets written off. The qualities you look for are guidelines that are malleable by experience and by the people you actually meet; they're not intended to be written in stone.

Myth #4: If someone of clearly marriageable age does not intend to get married, they are obviously not mature enough to know what they really want and will realize how deluded and foolish they are, hopefully sooner rather than later. Or they just haven't met the right person. But here's what I don't understand. People in their early twenties are beginning careers, getting advanced degrees, joining the military, doing mission work, traveling and working abroad, starting companies, etc., and we usually don't seriously question most of their decisions in these areas. But as soon as one of those young people dares to express that they don't want to get married or perhaps don't feel called to get married, the immediate reaction is to assume that they are just being immature and will change their mind later. But not everybody is destined to get married, wants to get married, or should get married, for various reasons. And some people live happy and fulfilling lives of service as single people. Bottom line: if you're old enough and mature enough to do the things on that list above and not be questioned about them, then chances are you're also mature enough to have made an informed and careful decision about how you feel about marriage, and you deserve to be taken seriously.

Stay tuned for the rest of this list tomorrow and Tuesday!

Thoughts on Singleness

I am single. I mean, genuinely single, not the "I'm in a serious relationship but not yet engaged/ married" kind of single. I am not dating anyone. I don't even anticipate dating for awhile yet. If the right person comes along, that's great . . . and if not, that's fine too.

Our culture has 2 key expectations of single people, and honestly, I think they're really troubling. First, as a general observation, single people are expected to enter into relationships as soon as possible. Secondly, if you are single, you are not expected to like it. Or to phrase that perhaps more accurately, you ARE expected NOT to like it. We don't really have any notions in our society of finding a time of singleness deeply satisfying and enjoyable, or being a valuable opportunity to learn and grow. Singleness is typically considered to be an inferior condition that any sensible person would want to remedy just as soon as possible. Sometimes I think people forget that it takes two people to get married or to form a relationship. That sounds so obvious, but think about what that really means. I can't just wake up one morning and write in my planner, "Find a man and start a relationship today." I can't do it because it doesn't just depend on me! There is always going to be another person involved. If I am supposed to be in a relationship with someone, they have to be open to being in that relationship with me and our lives have to cross paths in such a way that we meet and get to know each other. I can't make a "goal" to not be single anymore because that's not something I can accomplish myself. It always requires another person, and the right timing.

I sometimes get asked variations on this question: "Why are you still single?" On the surface, it may seem like a fairly innocuous inquiry, and granted, most of the people who ask the question really do mean well and care about me (and I don't make these comments to tear them down, but rather to shed some light on how these questions actually feel to people who are single). Most of the people who ask this question are either in committed relationships of their own or married. I have some married friends who I love and whose friendships I really value, and I would never turn to them or to any other married person and ask them, "Why are you still married?" I bet you wouldn't even think of asking that, either. To me, the "why are you still single?" question is incredibly analogous. We single people struggle to come up with a socially acceptable response to that question, and I often end up saying something like, "Well, I'm just too busy with school/ work/ etc. to be in a relationship right now." What I really want to say is either "God has not brought the right person into my life yet, and I won't settle for less than His best just because I'm expected to "cure" my singleness as if it were something wrong with me" or, more simply, "I'm single because right now, I want to be and I enjoy it." It's true--right now, God has called me to be single. I am very satisfied with where I am in my life, and I'm not rushing out to try to change my relationship status on Facebook. This is the first time in my life I have ever lived fully on my own, without family or roommates, and I have learned so much about myself and about my relationship with God as a result. I don't want to be rushing into relationships just because I feel pressured to do so.

As a woman, I react strongly to the idea that I cannot reach my full potential without a man. To the idea that I am "incomplete" without a relationship with a guy. That idea throbs through our culture, and every single woman is acutely aware of it. People say things like, "It won't be long now before you're bringing a guy home to meet your parents." I would like to say, but what if it is? Or what if that never happens? Will I have somehow disappointed you? I understand that this is rarely the intention behind the words, but as a woman, what I hear when people continually ask me if I've met a guy yet is, "You are not good enough on your own. You must rely on a man to do what God wants you to do. You need a man to give you a voice, because as a woman, you don't really have one just on your own."

If you enter a relationship with the expectation that the other person will magically "complete" you, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. People can complement each other, push each other to be better, challenge each other, love each other . . . but they can't complete each other.

I am already complete. I am whole. I am not a fractional part just sitting around waiting for my better half to come along. I will not wait to start my life, pursue my dreams, or achieve my ambitions until I am in a relationship. I will not waste my singleness in passivity and discontentment. Instead, I will enjoy and value it for what it is worth.